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I am learning that submission and obedience can take on various forms. The most surprising is that they don't have to be overt. They can actually be self directed. I know this sounds strange but I have been giving it a great deal of thought. Let's see if i can get these thoughts down ..and more importantly lets see if they make sense. He is now and forever will be the leader of our household and I will go where he needs me to. We have just come to the realization that both of us prefer the subtle to the overt in the D/s dymanic.
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Well its been alittle over a week since we hung up the collar and cuffs and started behaving like a "vanilla" couple. It is not what i expected. i thought that things would be sad and somber but they are not. i am also finding that i still defer to Him. M on the other hand is still very protective and caring. He is definitely calmer. The bedroom, (thank God) is still the place where He is completely dominant...just in a much more loving way....Can't really say i have any complaints. As it is turning out...i am still very much submitted to Him and He is still very much in control and i feel very much loved. (Psst...i still miss my collar though) Anyway, thats the update
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Today is Thanksgiving as well as my 46th birthday. In all honesty, i have been feeling quite sorry for myself the last 2 weeks. And this morning while sitting and having my coffee and reading all of your journal entries, i was stuck by the fact the life goes on for all of us. i am not the only one who has suffered significant loss and change in the past year. Each of has has struggled with something significant this year, many of us *such as myself* have struggled with several things....and in common...we all struggle with our submission but not with our desire to perservere. That being said...i feel that on this day, a day that i woke up nearly in tears...i beleive i should now count my blessings instead of lament my sorrows. * I am 46 today and healthy. yes, my bones may creek and i may have aches and pains...but i function well. i have lost 47 pounds since the 27th of August and for the 1st time, i truly beleive in my heart that i will reach a normal size after 2 and 1/2 decades of being obese. * My belief lies in the fact that i finally have become secure in Masters love for me. i truly feel that love and because of those feelings i have lost my incessant desire to eat, whether i was hungry or not.. The loss of that desire is reason behind my belief that this time i will be successful. *I am married to a wonderful man. A man that has both a emmense heart for me and a incredibily strong backbone. *i have a daugther that i love very much and who i know feels the same for me. Through all of the changes this year we having gotten to the point where we can spend more time together an lo an behold,actually found out that we enjoy it !!! she is married to a man that loves her with all his heart. As far as i am concerned he is a very odd duck...but the odd duck loves my daugther, thats all that matters....its up to them to figure out the rest. *i still have my father. He is quite a challenge but i know he loves me. And wants the best for me and Master. He is defintely not warm and fuzzy but he is consistent. *i have a job that does not pound on me as the previous one did. It does have it's own set of office politics and it is very frustrating that i am not a "power player" . Which lends itself to the frustration in not having the appropriate clout to get the things done that desperately need doing in order for them to grow. Right now, unfortunately, the people that are refusing to change are the very people that need to and the situation is making me look like i am not a "team player". On the other hand, thru prayer and thoughtful consideration, i am learning that in changing jobs and being more of a support person then a decision maker, it is helping to gradually prepare me for the time when i am home for Master on a full time basis. I can also see that the more i become accustomed to that support role it will help me more with my role at home too. * i have all of my friends to be grateful for. Although it is sometimes diffcult to relate to my vanilla ones, they are just as important to me as the rest of you. * and last but not least, i have the level of submission that Master & i have found but proves to be elucive on a permennt basis for both of us. We now know where we want to be. We just must work on loosing all of the baggage that we still carry. In the last few weeks i have noticed that the more we stray from our lifestyle roles and customs, the unhappier we become. But interestingly enough, i also noticed that in straying from those roles and customs one has no desire to return to them. It takes divorcing onself from their pain and agenda to realize the true stability they provide. Our ultimate desire is to live in a manner where He is our sole breadwinner and that my sole purpose is caring for Him and our home and that i will be afforded the opportunity to live collared and or cuffed on a 24/7 basis. so as i have taken the times to count my blessings i find that, even though i may mourn the loss of my mother and all she brought to my life, i also have so much more to invest my energy in. My mother never let her sorrows stop her from loving people. She was on her death bed...still trying to care for others any way she could. She never quit. i still have all that she brought to my life..nothing can take that from me. i will defintely try and remember that. Happy Thanksgving to all. I sincerely wish that you as well can find someone, or something to be grateul for on this day. |
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Tonight Master had me lay at his feet naked. He massaged my back and then rolled me over and started absent mindedly playing with my pussy with the toes on one foot while He had me suck on the toes on his other foot....we did this for quite awhile. He watched TV while i sucked on his toes and licked His feet happily. He then had me get on all fours to lick His balls and His ass while he stroked his cock. i love licking His balls and sucking His cock but the whole ass lickin' thing is far from my favorite....but woe is me Master loves it. He never had me do it before but now that i live on the floor and my face is now eye level with his crotch most of time He has found other ways to amuse Himself. i will say that Master takes a shower and cleans himself thoroughly each evening...but somethings are just an acquired taste...and i do beleive that i don't have the taste for ass! But i want to please Master so i lick without complaint. Master enjoys it so. He finished tonight by jerk off and giving me a full facial. I am now sitting in "my place" and every few minutes he calls to me to look at Him. He just loves to see me at his feet with my face covered with His cum... He has taken to having me go to sleep that way.
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Well it has been over a week since my floor training began and it did not take long for Master to make the floor my new evening home. I am no longer permitted on the furniture, unless Master is using me and it for His pleasure. i even eat dinner at His feet. i serve the meal and then promptly sit at Masters feet. After He has begun the meal, He makes me a small plate and hands it down to me. When he is finished with the meal, i am allowed to rise long enough to clear the dishes and clean up and then i must go directly to my spot at his feet in the living room. He has made it very comfortable for me, with very plush pillows. He has even given me access to my laptop again, since i have been a good girl and accepted my training very well. i am soo surprised...i thought i would hate this..i was convinced that i would find this incredibily distasteful. Instead, i love it!!!!
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Last night was the first time i was directed to spend a significant amount of time on the floor at Masters feet. At first i was not too sure how this was going to go over with me mentally. After to talking with Master about my initial feelings of distain for the idea, Master assured me that it was not arbituary and that it was necessary to further imbed my submissive mindset and train me to be more readily available for service. i suppose the need for the conversation at all was a excellent indicator that my submissive mindset needed some work! Before placing me at his feet , Master had me put on my butterfly and hand him the controls. i was already properly attired with my collar and cuffs, Master then attached my nipple clamps and then directed me to his feet. i balked. He commanded. i dropped to the floor. As soon as i was on the floor Master turned on the butterfly and my clit came alive. Nearly as soon as He turned it on ..He turned it off. He then explained that the longer i sat at His with the proper attitude, the longer He would allow me to enjoy the sensations of my butterfly. If i displayed a bad attitiude, however, my clamps would be steadily tightened to extreme pain instead of the pleasant pressure they were set at now. He then told me that the choice was mine, this could be a very pleasant expereince or it could be very painful...but the outcome would be the same...He will train me to the floor, which is now my place..i am not His equal any longer but his possession, i am owned and i will do as He commands when He commands and for my total obedience i will live a comfortable life. From this point on disobedience will not be tolerated and will be dealt with swiftly and harshly. He asked if i understood and when i went to start agruing this point, He reached down and turned the screws on my clamps tighter!. Once again he asked if i understood and i just lowered my head and nodded...He then said, "I did not hear you" and i responded with "yes Master So there i sat, my mind was racing and reeling. i wanted to fight, to get up, to assert my will and my mind! How dare he tell me that was PLACE was at his feet. Wait aminute here, i agreed to "submission" not "slavery" . And what is this pain SHIT He's talking about. That was not part of our contract. Oh was i furious!!! But i must have been sitting nice and quiet while i was having my "head" agrument because, lo and behold, i was pleasantly startled by the pleasant sensations of my butterfly. i looked up at Him and He smiled down at me and stroked my hair and told me i was being a good girl! He left the butterfly on alittle longer and then turned it off. This went on for about 45 mins. He had me get up on my knees and service him. He turned the butterfly on low, and hdd me lick his balls He worked my throat while i came 3 times from that butterfly and then finsihed by shoving his dick all over my face while he was cumming. i was exhausted and very satisifed. i slumped to the floor, i went to get up so i could clean myself up and he pushed me back down. He told me i was not done. i was to lick him clean and then lay at HIs feet and rest. He said that it was His desire to see me naked, collared, cuffed, clamped and now CUM covered at His feet. He also explained that i am never to get up without permission! So there i laid and much to my surprise, i was so content ...i fell asleep at His feet. Maybe there is somehting to slavery...after all?????
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After a candid debate about His directive that i will now be spending time each night as His feet, we have come to the conclusion that it is His desire that i ultimately quit work and stay 100% submitted 24/7. Master stated that he wants us to pay off all our debt within the next 3 years and then live off what he makes. He ultimately wants my only responsibilites to be taking care of Him and our home. He also desires that when this plan goes into full effect, that i will stay collared, cuffed and corsetted daily with the expection of leaving the house. And then i will have a public collar and cuffs for when i am out and about. I will also have a permanent place at His feet unless He grants permission for me to sit elsewhere. He wants me to surrender complete and total ownership of myself and live 100% for His needs, wants and desires. In exchange, he will love, cherish and protect me for the rest of my life and see to it that i am provided for comfortably. I had already agreed to sitting at His feet when he spilled the beans about where we are going in the future. Ouch!!! my head is spinning. I just can't get my head around this. But i suppose i better start trying. Master is not a man that readily changes His mind, once He has a plan He likes, And by the strength of the erection i just finished gobbling, He really likes this idea!!!! i have the full facial to prove it!!!!
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Master and i have begun to explore ways that i can be reminded of my submission to Him during the day when we are apart. i work in the corporate world so the "in your face" symbolism of our lifestyle will not go over well at all,and we are far too accustomed to the standard of living my work provides to fly in the face of convention. We had previously ordered a leather and brass bracelet from a "fashion" site hoping that it would represent what we needed it to without being obvious. It arrived yesterday and it was not like the picture. The picture made the bracelet look small and demure, when in actuality it has to be one of the largest, gawdiest things i have ever seen...it even puts some of the cuffs on the kink sites to shame!! Well, just to see if i (we) could get used to it, Master had me wear it when i went grocery shopping, and then when we went to visit friends in the evening. Since it was chilly here yesterday, i was wearing long sleeves so i was aware of the bracelet but it was not up in the general public's face. Before leaving for the grocery store, Master and i had a disagreement. It put me off significantly although i was quiet and submissive on the outside, i was aggressive and bratting on the inside. Anyway, normally when i get like that i am usually able to work myself into a combative frenzy and come back and have a aggressive point on point debate with Master. We all know that is not acceptable behavior but i have a nasty habit of jumping off of those ledges. Ahh, but this is where the bracelet came it. It is heavy and significant in size. When i was alone at the store ( which would have been the time i was forming my debate tactics) i was constantly reminded of my submission by that bracelet!! Everytime i would start to get a good rebuttal going, that bracelet would remind me that it is not my place to manage our money any longer. It is His. As long as my needs are met ( and they are...and then some) i have no business questioning his judgement. i should just shut up and get back on my knees where i belong. So i went home and instead of agruing, i did just that, i got on my knees and apologized for my behavior and i offered my service to Him. He graciously accepted my apology and declined service, although he had me stay on my knees awhile. Later that evening when we were returning from visiting friends, He said that He wanted me to return the bracelet. That it was too big and gawdy and not becoming of the lady that i am. i had to agree with Him on the look of the bracelet and in that sense i am happy to see it go. On the other hand, i told Master what it had done for my mindset earlier and that it had value in assisting in keeping me in my place. He was happy for the results it provided but still stated it had to go and we would look for something more becoming
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One of the things i struggle with the most is just letting go and letting Master truly handle everything.
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Thank you very much for admitting me into your community. It is greatly appreicated. I look forward to learning from all of you. Master wants me to find a group of like minded people so that i can begin to feel more comfortable with our lifestyle. i love Him and i am very devoted to Him as well but my choice has cost me dearly.
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i am 45 years old and for my entire adult life with the exception of the last year, i have been a ultra feminist. i met my husband when he came to work for me. At the time we both had very aggressive, domineering personalities. It did not take long for the attraction to take hold and soon i had to transfer him out of my department so that we could start dating. The chemistry between us was teriffic, but for the longest time he could not get me to back down. Initally, he admitted that my agressive nature was very attractive but after a while it started to lose it's appeal. He then approached me and told me that if i wanted this relationship to continue, i had to agree that there would be only 1 man in the family - and it was not going to be me!!! Over the course of 3 years living together we took very small baby steps in the process of me becoming more and more submissive. i have come to believe that Ultimate Trust, is required for Ultimate submission. When i came to the point where i trusted him unconditionally, and knew he only had my best interest at heart, i was able to lay down my armour of emotional protection and surrender completely to Him. And now, the women who once was a ultra feminist, calls Him Master. I can't wait to get home after a long day at work so that i can place my purse and breifcase in the closet, retrieve my collar and cuffs (both wrist and ankle) strip down to my corset and then present myself to my Master so that he and attach my bindings and hear my profession of devotion. By 5:05 pm daily i go from being in the world to being 100% His, to do his bidding as He sees fit and it thrills me no end to obey His every command. I beleive that if every woman found a man to trust unconditionally, female servitude would be the norm - not the fringe.
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For the longest time i have considered myself to be a submissive, but never entertained the possibility of wearing a collar and restraints on a daily basis. I always believed that one had to ascribe to the "slave" mentality in order to derive any benefit from the collar and cuffs. I ended up being wrong in my assumptions, and my collar has come to mean more to me then my wedding ring. My wedding ring makes me "legit" in todays society...my collar makes me owned, which in turn negates any legitimacy earned thru the wedding ring. Although i see my collar as a larger commitment.
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happy
contemplative
sleepy
horny
bitchy